Rabu, 22 April 2015
Good Morning Miss Uut :)
Good Morning my friends :)
I'll tell you about Martha Tilaar and My dreams.
Martha
Tilaar
Martha Tilaar is a successful business person who is
engaged in cosmetics and herbal medicine with the name Sariayu Martha Tilaar.
She has many businesses that are very success, such as Prama Pratiwi Martha,
Kampoeng Jamoe Organik Martha Tilaar.
Firstly, I didn’t know Mrs. Martha Tilaar, I only
knew about Sariayu Martha Tilaar because my mother used it. But when I watched
Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a
jury in that program, so I knew her.
Mrs. Martha Tilaar studied in Academy of Beauty
Culture and also opened a salon in America to apply her skills about beauty and
cosmetics. In 1970, Mrs. Martha Tilaar returned to Indonesia to open her first
salon in his father’s house and make her business more success.
I consider Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a successful
business person because she always believes that her dream will come true and
never surrenders until she gets her dreams. And Mrs. Martha Tilaar is the
inspiring person especially for Indonesian Woman.
My
Dreams
My
name is Devi Ratnasari. I have a lot of dreams. When I was a kid, I was to be a
doctor. But, when I studied in Vacational High School 1 Purbalingga, I felt
that I want to be a teacher. At this moment, I study in State of Semarang
University and I take accounting. In there, I want to decrease my knowledge
especially about accounting. Since I study in State of Semarang University, I
find new dream and I believe this is the real dream that I want.
After
I graduated from State of Semarang University, I will go to Jakarta. In there,
I will release my dream. I want to be a bank director. To be a bank director
can give me challege and good salary. Besides that I want to implement my
knowledge that I get in University.
While
I become a bank director, I also will open some companies. There are
transportation services, convection, and restaurant. So, I can help other people
that not have job to work in my companies. It will be managed by my family. My
mother and my sister will managed my
restaurant, my brother will managed my transportation services company, and my
sister’s husband will managed my companies convection.
After
I release my dreams, I will marry with a
kind man, smart man, and muslim. I will start to have 3 children. There are one
man and two girls. I will live in big comfortable house and a beautiful garden.
Finally, I hope my family can be happy family in the world and hereafter.
Please give your suggestion to my posting and I will be glad to respond all of your feedbacks.
Thank you ^_^
Hi, thanks for giving some feedbacks to my post, and now i would like to give you about my feedbacks :) but i'm sorry "underline" it is not appear.
BalasHapusBut when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a jury in that program, so I knew her. It seems you use wrong word which is underlined by me, you can change it “became” or “was” because i think that’s not a comparative sentence , i conclude it’s not coming into question.
“...in his father’s house and make her business more success”. You can open english module about Degree of Comparison, that “more” is followed by adjective but you write “more succes” that’s not true, because “succes” is a noun. It must be replaced by “...more successful”.
I’m sorry about your last paragraph, if you want, you can use my version :D
“I consider that Mrs. Martha Tilaar has become a successful business woman because she always believes that her dream will come true and never surrenders until she gets her dreams. And Mrs. Martha Tilaar is an inspiring person especially for Indonesian Women.
it is complicated to explain about my corrections :D, but I use “has become” in context that the fact she has been successful woman for so long right? :D
Some trouble about your past form sentences and some error grammars
BalasHapusWhen I was a kid, I was to be a doctor. are you sure using “was” & followed by “to be”? that’s like unsual , so you should use “became” or “wanted to be” because it’s past form context.
Since I study in State of Semarang University, I find new dream and I believe this is the real dream that I want. You use adverb “since” it prefers to “perfect form” right?? So you should change this sentence into perfect form.
I want to decrease my knowledge... are you sure ? you use decrease that its mean “menurunkan”
After I graduated from State of Semarang University, I will go to Jakarta. This sentence like “conditional sentence” if you wonder , you can open english module, about “Conditional Sentences”. It include into “First Type” that the fact you haven’t done something yet or it hasn’t occured. So you should change it “If i graduate from ..., i will..”
My mother and my sister will managed my restaurant. After “will, shall” or future form is always followed by verb 1 without s/es.
And the last “After I release my dreams, I will marry with a kind man, smart man, and muslim” i know what you mean :D sorry just for joking :D in english you should moslem.
Komentar ini telah dihapus oleh pengarang.
BalasHapusA.Thank you for your feedback in my work.
HapusI am aware that there are some mistakes.
“...in his father’s house and make her business #more success#”.
Your correction : “...more successful”.
Thank you, I agree about it. I apologize because I am careful less.
Your correction : “... Martha Tilaar is an inspiring person especially for Indonesian #Women#. ...”
Devi : “...Martha Tilaar is an inspiring person especially for Indonesian #Woman#...”
Thank you for your correction about last paragraph in your version...
“...I consider that Mrs. Martha Tilaar #to be# a successful business...”
I don’t understand yet about the using “has become”.
B.#Some trouble# about your past form sentences and some error grammars
I am sorry, correction : “Some troubles...”
“...Since I study in State of Semarang University,...”
Well, I will replace it become perfect form.
“...I want to #decrease my knowledge# especially about accounting...”
I am sorry, I am careful less.
I purpose to explain that I will increase my knowledge especially about accounting.
“...muslim...” => “moslem”
Thank you, I forget. :D
- She has many businesses that are very success, such as Prama Pratiwi Martha and Kampoeng Jamoe Organik Martha Tilaar.
BalasHapusI think you must add conjunction “and” in your sentence because you only give two example.
- But when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a jury in that program, so I knew her.
I think it will be better when you replace the sentence with “But when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 where Mrs. Martha Tilaar as a jury in that program, finally I knew about her.”
- But, when I studied in Vacational High School 1 Purbalingga, I felt that I want to be a teacher.
I think you must replace “want” with “wanted” because it is Simple Past Tense.
- To be a bank director can give me challege and good salary.
Sorry, I think you should change your sentence because for me that sentence is less good. You can change it “To be a bank director that can give me challege and good salary” or “I want to be a bank director because I think it can give me challege and good salary.”
- I will start to have 3 children.
I think it will be better if you change that sentence with “I hope in my wedding, I can have 3 children.”
For the other sentence, I agree with the feedback from Hendra. I hope my feedback can help you to revise your work and thank you for your feedback in my work too.
Thank You :)
Thanks for your feedback in my work Uus. I will post the revised version soon. :)
BalasHapusHello Devi I am sorry Iam late give you feedback
BalasHapusDevi emmm in the sentence " I want to decrease my knowledge.... I think not decrease but increase
Thanks Devi I wish you always happy