REVISED WORK#4

Posted by : Unknown Minggu, 26 April 2015

Good Evening Miss :)
In this post, there are improvements tenses that have been given by my friends in my work#4.

A. Description of Martha Tilaar

Martha Tilaar

Martha Tilaar is a successful business person who is engaged in cosmetics and herbal medicine with the name Sariayu Martha Tilaar. She has many businesses that are very success, such as Prama Pratiwi Martha, Kampoeng Jamoe Organik Martha Tilaar.

Firstly, I didn’t know Mrs. Martha Tilaar, I only knew about Sariayu Martha Tilaar because my mother used it. But when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a jury in that program, so I knew her.

Mrs. Martha Tilaar studied in Academy of Beauty Culture and also opened a salon in America to apply her skills about beauty and cosmetics. In 1970, Mrs. Martha Tilaar returned to Indonesia to open her first salon in his father’s house and make her business more success.

I consider Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a successful business person because she always believes that her dream will come true and never surrenders until she gets her dreams. And Mrs. Martha Tilaar is the inspiring person especially for Indonesian Woman.

Revised work#4 for description about Martha Tilaar. There are :

1. But when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a jury in that program, so I knew her.

Revised work#4 : But when I watched Miss Indonesia program in 2012 and I looked that Mrs. Martha Tilaar became a jury in that program, so I knew her.

2. In 1970, Mrs. Martha Tilaar returned to Indonesia to open her first salon in his father’s house and make her business more success.

Revised work#4 : In 1970, Mrs. Martha Tilaar returned to Indonesia to open her first salon in his father’s house and make her business more successful.

3. I consider Mrs. Martha Tilaar to be a successful business person because she always believes that her dream will come true and never surrenders until she gets her dreams. Martha Tilaar is the inspiring person especially for Indonesian Woman.

Revised work#4 : I consider that Mrs. Martha Tilaar has become a successful business woman because she always believes that her dream will come true and never surrenders until she gets her dreams. And Mrs. Martha Tilaar is an inspiring person especially for Indonesian Woman.

A. Description of Martha Tilaar (REVISED)

Martha Tilaar

I consider that Mrs. Martha Tilaar has become a successful business woman because she always believes that her dream will come true and never surrenders until she gets her dreams. And Mrs. Martha Tilaar is an inspiring person especially for Indonesian Woman.

B. My Dreams

My Dreams

My name is Devi Ratnasari. I have a lot of dreams. When I was a kid, I was to be a doctor. But, when I studied in Vacational High School 1 Purbalingga, I felt that I want to be a teacher. At this moment, I study in State of Semarang University and I take accounting. In there, I want to decrease my knowledge especially about accounting. Since I study in State of Semarang University, I find new dream and I believe this is the real dream that I want.

After I graduated from State of Semarang University, I will go to Jakarta. In there, I will release my dream. I want to be a bank director. To be a bank director can give me challege and good salary. Besides that I want to implement my knowledge that I get in University.

While I become a bank director, I also will open some companies. There are transportation services, convection, and restaurant. So I can help other people that not have job to work in my companies. It will be managed by my family. My mother and my sister will managed my restaurant, my brother will managed my transportation services company, and my sister’s husband will managed my companies convection.

After I release my dreams, I will marry with a kind, smart man, and muslim. I will start to have 3 children. There are one man and two girls. I will live in big comfortable house and a beautiful garden. Finally, I hope my family can be happy family in the world and hereafter.

Revised work#4 for description about my dreams. There are :

1. When I was a kid, I was to be a doctor.

Revised work#4 : When I was a kid, I became a doctor.

2. Since I study in State of Semarang University.

Revised work#4 : Since I was studying in Semarang State University.

3. To be a bank director can give me challege and good salary.

Revised work#4 : I want to be a bank director because I think it can give me challege and good salary.

4. I want to decrease my knowledge.
Revised work#4 : I want to increase my knowledge.

5. My mother and my sister will managed my restaurant.

Revised work#4 : My mother and my sister will manage my restaurant.

6. After I release my dreams, I will marry with a kind man, smart man, and muslim.

Revised work#4 : After I release my dreams, I will marry with a kind man, smart man, and moslem.

7. I will start to have 3 children.

Revised work#4 : I hope in my wedding, I can have 3 children.

B. My Dreams (REVISED)

My Dreams

My name is Devi Ratnasari. I have a lot of dreams. When I was a kid, I became a doctor. But, when I studied in Vacational High School 1 Purbalingga, I felt that I want to be a teacher. At this moment, I study in Semarang State University and I take accounting. In there, I want to increase my knowledge especially about accounting. Since I was studying in Semarang State University, I find new dream and I believe this is the real dream that I want.

After I graduated from Semarang State University, I will go to Jakarta. In there, I will release my dream. I want to be a bank director. I want to be a bank director because I think it can give me challege and good salary.Besides that I want to implement my knowledge that I get in University.

While I become a bank director, I also will open some companies. There are transportation services, convection, and restaurant. So I can help other people that not have job to work in my companies. It will be managed by my family. My mother and my sister will manage my restaurant, my brother will manage my transportation services company, and my sister’s husband will manage my companies convection.

After I release my dreams, I will marry with a kind, smart man, and moslem. I hope in my wedding, I can have 3 children. There are one man and two girls. I will live in big comfortable house and a beautiful garden. Finally, I hope my family can be happy family in the world and hereafter.
I am sorry miss,

I will be more careful to make sentence in my work. And thank you for my friends, your correction in my Work#4 has made me know about my mistake.